Hi guys, its been so long since I’ve blogged and I’m sorry (if anyone outside of my family and PT actually read this hahah!), but I’ve written a lot of blogs I just haven’t got round to posting. By the time I remember I’ve written anything, the blog is so out of date that there was no point in posting it. I seem to only write them when I’m feeling really emotional or lonely.

The first thing I’d like to say is that when I think about all the things I’ve achieved over the past two years of my life I’m amazed. How many other 17 or 18 year olds can say they’ve done what I have? I studied 4 A levels, worked Saturday and Sunday and fundraised £5000. In the A levels I came out with top grades against all odds (and everyone telling me I wouldn’t). I’ve made it 6,000 miles across the world and am currently living in an orphanage, working 10-12 hours a day with kids who have nothing. When I remember this I realise that what I’ve done and what I’m continuing to do is worthwhile and that I can’t go home.

The worst thing is I feel like nothing I ever do here is good enough. The unfriendliness of the directing staff is a constant slap in the face and I’m hoping that it’ll change and they’ll learn to appreciate us. It’s difficult because they formed a really close relationship with the previous volunteers and are constantly comparing us to them (and apparently finding us lacking). It’s upsetting because I don’t want to replace them, and I want to just say look, we’re different people. You have to accept that we’re going to be different. I don’t want to walk in their shadow this whole year with people looking down their noses at us because we aren’t them. I wish one of the directors would just say something, “thanks, I appreciate you’re so far from home. Thank you for working 10 hours a day with these kids. I appreciate that they can be really difficult.” I’m not saying they don’t appreciate it, they just always seem to find something wrong with it.

The other thing I find very tough is the no going out alone rule. I love Chloe to bits and she’s honestly become my best friend (even if when she’s drunk she blurts my secrets!) Most of you who know me will know that really I’m a very solitary person. Those of you who know me also know what an absolute cow I can be sometimes when I’m irritated, stressed or tired. Chloe just doesn’t deserve that behaviour from me. She’s so lovely and sweet and I don’t want to ruin our friendship over something I say when I’m annoyed that just isn’t her fault. I’m also conscious of the fact that with me Chloe will never gain any confidence because I constantly talk for her. I feel like such a douche in this respect. I’m also completely conscious of the fact that I actually don’t deserve to be friends with someone as great as Chloe. I feel completely inadequate in comparison to what an absolute martyr she is. Because of my solitary nature I am not used to having to listen to what anyone else says. I want to go out… I go out. I am not good at accommodating other people and I know that sometimes I’m wrong or out of order (hence why Chloe is a total martyr). Partnerships are difficult as anything and it upsets me to know that I’ve upset Chloe.

On the subject of partnerships, when I introduce Chlo as my partner it’s hilarious to see their reaction. Everyone’s like “OH, your PARTNER!” Like, my lesbian partner. We also share looks like a married couple, and know EXACTLY what it means. We were at Mancora this weekend, chatting with one of the barstaff who we’d met the last time and is actually such a lovely guy, and I just looked at her and raised my eyebrows and she was like “NO WAY, NOT AGAIN!” We of course wouldn’t tell him what the look meant; and I won’t tell you guys because I don’t think you’d want to know, but he got pretty pissed that we wouldn’t divulge. Although I think Chlo divulged every other one of my secrets soooo… Hahaha, but it was her birthday weekend so I think she’s under a general amnesty and I can’t be TOO much of a bitch about it.

So yeah Chlo’s birthday was pretty great. I felt completely inadequately prepared to be the only one she was to share probably her most momentous birthday with (18). I also HATE present buying. Like I literally broke out into a cold sweat when I went out to buy her presents. I almost had a panic attack in the middle of the Plaza del Sol which could have gone down really well. I ended up just getting her perfume, some jewellery and sunglasses, and a notebook. She writes a journal so I wanted to get her something she would keep forever and remember me by. I wrote her a little message in it too. I also bought ingredients which the master chef that is Esmelda whipped up into a stellar cake. Though, the piece de resistance(es?) were the cards I got my boys from casa 2 to make, and several of the girls from casa 7 and my own card. My “card” was an A3 piece of card covered in photos, and in the middle a massive message from me telling Chlo how awesome she is and how glad I’m here with her. On the back I’d asked loads of the tias and directing staff to write her messages. I also decorated our house with stuff Chlo’s mum sent me (thank you Heather!) and casa 5. The cake was a surprise until about mid morning when Angel (the director) came over and said happy birthday, and said “we’ll do the cake later,” so that surprise was nice and ruined! However I gathered all the kids in the Gazebo in front of our house (with the promise of cake – even getting the girls from casa 4 out from their dinners!) to sing her happy birthday. The cake went a fair way round the kids, and everyone that sang happy birthday got a slice. Seeing as it was Halloween we also did bobbing for apples with my boys from casa 2, and Chlo’s girls from casa 4. We even got the psychologist bobbing haha, which was funny. Anyway, I threw out sweets for the kids after the cake too, which got a bit violent I must admit. It was so sweet to get everyone to sing happy birthday. I wish I was at the Aldea for my birthday, I would love to celebrate with the kids; however it’s less than a week before we go back home in August, so we’ll probably be in Lima. Me and Chlo kept it a quiet one and went out for Pizza, and they gave us a free brownie desert because it was Chlo’s birthday. We were so stuffed as well, and had to force it down to be polite haha. We properly celebrated with a long weekend at Mancora last weekend – the less said about THAT the better – and yeah. So I think I did well… Ish?

I’m constantly surprised by how much progress I’ve made over the last nearly 3 months. It’s such a boost when you do something that you can’t have ever imagined doing at the start. My confidence with the kids has grown the more I get to know them, and now I can say that I know how to keep their attention for more than 20 minutes – with toddlers this is SO difficult! – which I thought would never happen. We’ve discovered the “what floats” game, which they love and do NOT get tired of, although they do always end up a bit grubby after looking for new and exciting things to lob in the water. Carlitos, the cheeky little monkey always manages to find the biggest rock and drop it in from higher than his head. I’m pretty sure that health and safety experts would have a fit at a two year old having any kind of control over as deadly a weapon as a fist sized rock! They also LOVE collecting things. I wish I was that easily occupied finding leaves! They get their little fists full of leaves, then will not relinquish them.

I also love spending one on one time with the kids. In the morning we take all the chicitos to the park, and on the afternoons where we’re in the baby casa I take either Andrea or Camilla to the park. It’s such a nice way to get some space from the madness of the boys and just chill. Andrea is content to just wander about or cuddle with me in the grass. She, like me is very solitary and independent but very, very cautious. She has a lot of common sense for a not-yet-two year old who can’t speak. That’s the most intriguing thing about her; I think she chooses not to speak. Its also funny how absolutely scared the older boys are of her; she scares me too. When you see her arm bent back ready to give you a whack you know you’re in trouble haha. With Camilla it’s a lot more drunken-like waddling around. I try not to freak out every time she goes near any hard surface, but I always imagine the worst. What if she trips right now and falls back on that block of concrete, or bit of pavement? What if she hits herself in the face with the swing? But the tias are massively protective of her and she doesn’t get much time outside of her playpen, which she needs. She needs to explore and get bruises and scrapes to learn NOT to do those things. I obviously would never say that to the tias, who are very preoccupied about the kids safety, and I’m not saying that I don’t worry, but you’ve got to let kids explore on their own. They’re completely accountable for anything that happens to them, so they’re very, very cautious; but also because of genuine care and lack of funds at the Aldea for emergency care. So I obviously keep a close eye on them.

I feel particularly close to Camilla because I think she identifies me really closely with her mother. I feel so blessed that a little thing would trust me so much and so freely; I sometimes wonder if how I feel about her could be half of what it feels like to be a mother. One day, I just laid down in the bed with her and we stared into each other’s eyes, whilst I stroked her belly and forehead until she drifted off. She also called me mama a few times (for definite), and now I’m not sure if she’s calling me Lana or mama… We took her for her vaccinations with her mum the other day too, and she was in her mothers arms and I was sitting down… well, she leaned away from her and reached out to me. I felt so terrible for her poor mother, who is a lovely girl (she’s the same age as me), because I know she loves her little girl, and she cried to Angelika that she’s going to forget her. It actually broke my heart to take her from her mother because she started crying. I honestly felt so wretched for the love I felt for her daughter. It’s not the sweet girl’s fault that her boyfriend and Camilla’s dad bit her; her culpability only lies in not reporting it. And who would? She knew her baby would get taken away from her. She’s really sweet too, and I feel absolutely horrendous about the whole situation. I mean look at me, some foreigner who’s come to help in Peru, who has nice clothes and obviously has more money has as good as stolen her child from her.

Two of our favourites also left this month. Paolo went off back to live with his grandma (poor woman). She's nearly 60 and Paolo is a RIGHT handful haha! I miss him sometimes, but he was definitely the ring leader of all the trouble, so it's a lot quieter now. It feels like he took about three children with him. But who's going to call me Chibola now? I miss him saying "EH, CHIBOLA!" when he came home from school. Oh well, he's going to have a better life with his gran. Now Jess has also left, which is really sad because she is such a special girl, and the only one who can feed her or do anything for her is Paquita. Paquita was so distraught, because she's the one who got Jess all the help she needed really. Jess wasn't able to move anything but her eyes when she came... and now she can walk only holding onto a pinky! She's gone back to an orphanage closer to her mum where there aren't any specialist doctors to help with her care. It's really sad because Jess could be a normal girl; I just hope that they see that and encourage her.

I will carry on taking the advice of my good family friend Glenys… I’ll enjoy the ups and downs because before I know it, I’ll be back in frosty, rainy old blighty. Even if it’s tough at the moment I’ll look back on this year of my life (hopefully) and say that I did well, and maybe helped some people who haven’t ever had anything, or the hope of anything in their life, and maybe inspired them and given them something that will help them later on.

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